Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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