I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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