At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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