your room smells of hookers.
And success
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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