Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
