Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
