upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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