I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
