that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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