Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
