don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
