People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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