Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
