I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
