you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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