if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
