His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
