Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
