i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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