Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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