My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
