im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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