I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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