it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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