Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
