I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
