Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
