I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
