apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
