I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
