Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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