i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
