I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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