I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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