I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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