Do you still have your period?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
