piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
