I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
