Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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