Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
