There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
