fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
