a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
