I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I AM VODKA MAN
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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