dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
