There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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