Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
