Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
