i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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