no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
