Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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