On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
