You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
