So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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